PERSONAL UPDATE.
**Heads up this will be a shitty blog post stitched together with fabulously
authentic thoughtless prose alongside a hefty dose of grammatical errors.
enjoi; **
Well guys, hi. Hope you and the kids are well?
It's been a hot minute hasn't it?
Well here’s the (Lilo and) stich.
I like writing and finding funny ways to word
and structure sentences then sharing it on the interwebs to my extensive
devoted audience of one. Oh, and of course indulging my ego with various
pictures of my face in various contortions, whilst standing in front of various
cute backgrounds. (See above)
BUTT, a big butt, somewhere in that big butt,
rigged right in there, lays my motivation. (cute imagery right?). Alongside a
plethora of excuses and fears that my mind conjured up in order to prevent me
from engaging in the things I use to find pleasure in doing. Which is sad. And
which is also sadly very human.
Subsequently in order to clearly illuminate the
justifications for my decade long hiatus I shall present a list, organised in
lexical priority. (can you tell from the frivolous discourse that I’m a bloody
humanities uni student or...) I hope to provide a concise explanation for
my absence, as well as shed light on the interior of my mind. I promise
subsequent blogposts will not all be as narcissistic and self-absorbed as this
one. Future posts will hopefully share my much needed and solicited opinions
on topical and current political discussions, as well as things I find
interesting in my uni course (Politics and IR) and just random topics that
preoccupy my cluttered head.
Anyway, the list:
1) I'm a lazy shit.
First and foremost I am quintessentially lazy. But
as you can see from my use of quintessential, I am on a quest of self-improvement.
And it is going relatively well. I find that getting in the right headspace for
self-inflicted personal growth is a weird journey. No one can make you want to
be the best version of yourself, it just needs to click. Although in my
experience it usually involves a soul crushing life experience to aid as a
lovely catalyst to engender the thought of possibly being less of a lazy shit.
(I'm working on being less of a self-depreciating bastard too...whoops). In my case
it was a break up, a very monumental moment in my life I think. It literally
forced me to take care of myself and make some much needed self assessments-
and now I weirdly have a lot of gratitude for the pain I felt. I might do a
post-break up/ belated Valentines Day post. For the first time in a long time I
am actively and consciously trying to make improvements in my life- lazy shit
no more.
2) Past tide seemed
better.
Year 10-13 me seemed to have such a creative
flare in hindsight, that current me very much envies. I've become less and less
proactive in creating new things and experimenting with different ideas and
that’s down to change. I don’t think I handle change very well. I get apathetic. Its a given
that we all are constantly moulding and remoulding ourselves, whether or not we
desire change - it is thrust upon us. But within the uncertainty of change lies
a flicker of redeeming hope that we can, to some extent at least, navigate the
general direction we wish to head towards. Although granted, its no easy task-
or we’d all be a highflying so-and-so. But I guess it starts with figuring out
what you want for yourself, emotionally, spiritually, physically and all the
other –allys. So with that in mind I’m trying to push myself to hone in on the
skills I have, such as
- Drawing more, and being proud of what I
create. Ignoring the unfair shrieks of my inner critic.
- Singing more, even though my flatmates
probably want me to shut up already
- Working harder at my degree.
As well as proactively trying to try new things
no matter how bone crushingly awkward or insecure it makes me. I’m going to dare
to be adventurous, artistic and bold in my choices. And fight the demons of
self-doubt, which I’ve fought with and continue to fight with on a day-to-day
basis- the bags (for life) under my eyes are testament of that weary battle.
3) Blogspiration
One piece of content that recently spurred me to
create was Lalaland, I really enjoyed it and it really resonated and correlated
with my current personal experiences. Quite frankly, it is in my humble opinion
that only a truly cold-hearted callous individual would not tear up at that
movie *cough cough, you know who you are *. But in all seriousness, I feel like
the hype is well deserved, hopefully I’ll provide my layman’s perspective on
the movie in a future post. But my point is, sometimes an emotive work of art
is just what is needed for fellow creatives to be spurred on to, well, create.
But with all this said, I’m on a strong quest
for self-improvement. I don’t know how I got here, but I just have a strong
desire to be the best version of myself- its like a light bulb just went off in
my head. I know its not going to be easy, because I’ve definitely got a few
obstacles to overcome. All overwhelmingly to do with mental health; a cocktail
of a lack of self-love, anxiety and a fierce inner critic. BUTT, a big butt,
somewhere ridged in that big butt is a strong girl willing to be pooped out.
Haha I’m sorry- not really J
Tea-day xox
My first year uni box.
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