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mental health
MENTAL HEALTH WEEK
07:04"PERPETUAL VIRGINITY OF THE SOUL"
Hey reptiles hope you're all sssuper.
I’m well too thanks for asking…would be the almost reflex like
superficial retort I would have splurted out like a knee jerk reaction if this were
a verbal exchange occurring in real life (what’s even real anyways?) (Lets not
go into that).
However in lieu of mental health week drawing to a close I
thought it relevant to splurt a less superficial response to this fictional
conversion that I concocted in my head (fictional conversations = a surprisingly
common occurrence in this mind of mine). So in this post I’m going expose
myself in terms of being painstakingly uncomfortably honest about all dem
feelings shite; and hopefully you can relate. Or not, actually, I hope you
don’t relate to this. I hope you are in a realm of blissful ignorance, because some
of these things are shitty and I wouldn’t want you to feel shitty… or would I?
(I wouldn’t.)
So heres a list of 2 things that drive me mental:
(1) ANXIETY
I would say i'm a high functioning person with anxiety. So, I get anxious. Sometimes I get so anxious my heart feels like
it’s managed to escape the confines of my chest by beating so god damn fast. Sometimes I get anxious
with no trigger whatsoever, like it just came for an unfriendly visit right at
the moment I was about to shovel a big spoon of Frosties into my mouth; and
then it watches me as I stop and try to recollect if I’ve forgotten something-
knowing fully well that nothing should
be wrong. But on the outside I deal with it, I can be confident when i'm anxious, I can carry out tasks whilst anxious- but im still anxious. Travelling on trains makes me anxious. Travelling on planes makes me anxious. Leaving my house makes me
anxious. Friends make me anxious. The wandering gaze of a stranger sitting
across me on the bus makes me anxious. I. am. Always. Anxious. Even when I’m
happy, I’m anxious. When I’m not so happy, oh boy, I’m anxious. Sometimes it’s
buried so deep down, I almost can’t feel it, except I can. I can feeling its
ever so slightly rhythmic tapping, reminding me something is n o t
q u i t e r i g h t.
I’m anxious right at this very moment as I type this full stop.
Something really is not quite right.
“But everyone feels anxious, right?” is a thought that stops me
from going to the GP and asking someone to please help me.I think this stems from my upbringing, being taught anxiety and
depression are not real. Or that they are from the devil and you just need to
pray, all this stops me from going for help- Which is unfortunately quite a typical portrayal of mental health in "African" homes. If you look at
‘everyones’ Internet history, how often would you see “why am I so anxious for
no reason?”, “Why do I always feel anxious?”, “I feel anxious for no reason, is
this normal?” and a million other variations of the same question. Because if
you ever had the privilege of taking a gander through mine, you’ll find it scattered
across, because I don’t go incognito for those kinds of searches (if you know
what I mean he he he).
So I’m aware something is wrong. Perpetual anxiousness isn’t
normal. All these searches have left me with a self - GAD (General anxiety
disorder)-diagnosis. And I know self-diagnosis isn’t recommendable, and I
wouldn’t recommend it myself, because not only can you misdiagnose, it can
somewhat undermine those who have been professionally diagnosed. But I guess I
just haven’t yet propped up the courage to drag my feet to the GP. I almost
did. The first year of uni was a big struggle for me in terms of adapting to
the change. And a couple of month ago a break up from a significant person in
my life triggered a flare up in my anxiety and depression. However as of
recent, my life has been going great and balanced, I have wonderful people surrounding me and even despite this, I’m
still anxious, albeit its nowhere as amped up as those two periods of my
life.
According to NHS Generalised Anxiety Disorder is estimated to
affect about one in every 25 people in the UK- That bloody lot. I’m sure anxiety
manifests in different ways for different people. But this article by Alivia
Hall on the Huffpost so meticulously describes how my anxiety feels for me.
“Anxiety is debilitating. It feels like a constant heaviness in
your mind; like something isn’t quite right, although oftentimes you don’t know
exactly what that something is.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alivia-hall/what-anxiety-feels-like_b_7495122.html
(2) SELF LOATHING
So, I don’t really like myself. I’m sure a lot of people don’t
like themselves. If you spend 24hrs of every bloody day with yourself, it’s
bound to get a bit tedious aint it. Don’t get me wrong I’m aware at my core I’m
a good person. I have no qualms with that. But when I receive a text from a
friend asking how I am, my instinctual reaction is to be genuinely baffled as
to why anyone would care. Or when I get invited somewhere, I wonder why anyone
would want to actively spend time with me. I can’t comprehend why. That’s why I’m
famous for not initiating any calls or gatherings. I know this is starting to
sounds like a (lit) pity party, but I’m serious. I just don’t like me. And I’m
wrong for that, because the rational side of myself knows I can be a good
friend and whatnot. Its all a bit of a weird struggle between my irrational
self loathing and my rational self acceptance.
~
But lets not end this on a hopeless note, here one method that I
think is helpful in countering the shitty feelings. (If you’re a knob that
refuses to professionally help yourself).
~ CORRECTING YOUR
THOUGHTS
Corrective thinking is actually very helpful; I use to do this
thing where I tell myself positive affirmations in the mirror before I stepped
out. And from what I remember it actually helps, so please someone tell me why
I stopped? I find this method good because it sets the tone for the day- making
the day yellow as opposed to grey, positive as supposed to negative.
There is also meditating, praying (if you’re religious), listening
to music helps me too. This raw depiction is not to say I’m not happy, but I
rather I guess it shows how human I am in my mental afflictions. And hopefully
if you do happen to resonate (hopefully not) it shows you’re not alone and
someone is rooting for you to get better. And also, if you do feel like
something is wrong with your mental health, learn from my mistakes, don’t be
silly go to your GP.
Thanks for reading,
Tea xo
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